It's finally happening we are leaving on a 2 week Europe trip tomorrow! I have never been that far from home and I am equal parts excited and nervous. We are flying in to Amsterdam making our way down to Italy and up to Prague and we come home from there.
It makes me realize how lucky I am to be married to someone with similar dreams. I know some people who would love to travel but their spouse just doesn't prioritize it and it never happens. Serious travel definitely requires a team effort. There's no way either of us would be able to do it all alone.
One of my many wishes is to see as much of this world as possible before I have to leave it. Earth really is a beautiful place and in all honesty people have only made it more beautiful and interesting with the development of cities.
I'm especially excited to see some of the older cities that have so much history. These places are worth visiting just for the architecture but then they have such an old culture that there's always something to experience as well.
I hope my husband and I can find the inspiration we need for whatever it is we need to do next. I will update as soon as we get home.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Such is life...
My husband and I are once again questioning what we would like to do with our lives. It's heartbreaking to think that all the money we spent, that was earned with so many hundreds of hours of life sucking time at work, was wasted on things we didn't really care about. However, what is the other option- be poor and miserable? or at least admit that it would be a little bit better if we were at least rich and miserable? Either way the miserable part kind of kills me.
I guess we are having one of those stuck moments and none of the options we currently see have any sort of happy ending. Don't get me wrong, we know we have a relatively easy existence, you know healthy, fed, sheltered,but not facing any life threatening illness and not having to struggle for survival leaves us with opportunity. Some people might consider us ungrateful for our general good fortune, you know- home ownership, relatively functioning marriage, some semblance of purpose, but the truth is we genuinely feel a responsibility to do something other than exist.
Yes I am accusing people who work their lives away of just existing. Nobody enjoys going to work everyday...nobody. Therefore I do not want to work my life away, because I have the very ungrateful and pretentious dream to be genuinely happy. It's not going to happen while my husband is battling managerial and customerial douchebaggery every day.
In fact I don't think that my husband and I are being ungrateful when we admit to ourselves that our daily game of pay the bills and buy groceries is not cutting it. I believe that it is a generally accepted idea that when you feel like something is missing it probably is. I look at our life and I really do think something is not there. We don't have children yet and I believe children will fill some of the emptiness, but again feeding babies just doesn't seem like the end of the happy ending to me. That of course leaves my duty to God. Yes mother I know Jesus is always the answer, but seriously I think he'd be ok with me finding more purpose in my life than even being a studious church goer can provide.
The unsatisfying end to this post is simply that I want happiness and fulfillment and 6 years into my official adult life, I only know a few ways not to find it. I'm changing everything again and I have no choice but to be ok with it, because the alternative is simply unacceptable. The one achievement I feel certain of is that I'm officially over the great American Lie. Working hard and going to school will not give you satisfaction. It will give you a job. An underpaying, underbenefitting, underappreciating, overworking, soul sucking job. That is not a dream. At least knowing where not to look makes it possible to start looking elsewhere.
Also if I go bankrupt because we've spent too much money on school that we will never use,-my husband is a banker and we know that bankruptcy is fairly easy to overcome. You can thank a government that caters to an entitled generation for that. I'm kidding I don't want to go bankrupt, but seriously if that's the worst thing that happens to my family because we were trying to find real happiness, so be it, I guess. Although it greatly pains my working class upbringing to say that.
I guess we are having one of those stuck moments and none of the options we currently see have any sort of happy ending. Don't get me wrong, we know we have a relatively easy existence, you know healthy, fed, sheltered,but not facing any life threatening illness and not having to struggle for survival leaves us with opportunity. Some people might consider us ungrateful for our general good fortune, you know- home ownership, relatively functioning marriage, some semblance of purpose, but the truth is we genuinely feel a responsibility to do something other than exist.
Yes I am accusing people who work their lives away of just existing. Nobody enjoys going to work everyday...nobody. Therefore I do not want to work my life away, because I have the very ungrateful and pretentious dream to be genuinely happy. It's not going to happen while my husband is battling managerial and customerial douchebaggery every day.
In fact I don't think that my husband and I are being ungrateful when we admit to ourselves that our daily game of pay the bills and buy groceries is not cutting it. I believe that it is a generally accepted idea that when you feel like something is missing it probably is. I look at our life and I really do think something is not there. We don't have children yet and I believe children will fill some of the emptiness, but again feeding babies just doesn't seem like the end of the happy ending to me. That of course leaves my duty to God. Yes mother I know Jesus is always the answer, but seriously I think he'd be ok with me finding more purpose in my life than even being a studious church goer can provide.
The unsatisfying end to this post is simply that I want happiness and fulfillment and 6 years into my official adult life, I only know a few ways not to find it. I'm changing everything again and I have no choice but to be ok with it, because the alternative is simply unacceptable. The one achievement I feel certain of is that I'm officially over the great American Lie. Working hard and going to school will not give you satisfaction. It will give you a job. An underpaying, underbenefitting, underappreciating, overworking, soul sucking job. That is not a dream. At least knowing where not to look makes it possible to start looking elsewhere.
Also if I go bankrupt because we've spent too much money on school that we will never use,-my husband is a banker and we know that bankruptcy is fairly easy to overcome. You can thank a government that caters to an entitled generation for that. I'm kidding I don't want to go bankrupt, but seriously if that's the worst thing that happens to my family because we were trying to find real happiness, so be it, I guess. Although it greatly pains my working class upbringing to say that.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Knowing Who You Are
It's been a while again since I posted anything. I read somewhere the other day that the most evil lie told is "I am a victim of my circumstances". I agree that this is indeed evil as it goes against basic gospel doctrines, such as overcoming the natural man, do not fear, and choose to be happy. Those are summarized obviously. I think my favorite part of being an adult is that I know what I need to do to be a better person. Childhood is a wonderful place to be but there is not fulfillment in this life in innocence and wonder alone. Life is harder as an adult but it also has more potential.
There I go again using my blog title directly for inspiration.I'm actually enjoying all the thoughts I have as I compare my adult life to my childhood. There is a certain balance and steadiness in knowing your lifelong struggles. I will probably always struggle with laziness, not that I can't overcome it but I will always prefer laying in the sun and doing nothing to accomplishing house work. I think knowing who you are is knowing who you're not.
That must be why it takes so long. Personally I've chased a lot of dreams watched them burn and then decided I was going to art. Unlike some, I will never wonder if I was supposed to do something else. Or if I'm just stuck doing what I am doing because I've been doing it for so long. I spent my entire teenage years telling myself I was going to be a fire fighter.-Nope not touching that one with a ten foot pole. Then a nurse-not even close. An astronomer-only in hobby. Musician-again only when I'm not being forced to do it. And then finally out of nowhere art. And art it is. I love everything about creating things no one has ever thought of before and I will never get tired of it. I am an artist because I can't possibly be anything else.
There I go again using my blog title directly for inspiration.I'm actually enjoying all the thoughts I have as I compare my adult life to my childhood. There is a certain balance and steadiness in knowing your lifelong struggles. I will probably always struggle with laziness, not that I can't overcome it but I will always prefer laying in the sun and doing nothing to accomplishing house work. I think knowing who you are is knowing who you're not.
That must be why it takes so long. Personally I've chased a lot of dreams watched them burn and then decided I was going to art. Unlike some, I will never wonder if I was supposed to do something else. Or if I'm just stuck doing what I am doing because I've been doing it for so long. I spent my entire teenage years telling myself I was going to be a fire fighter.-Nope not touching that one with a ten foot pole. Then a nurse-not even close. An astronomer-only in hobby. Musician-again only when I'm not being forced to do it. And then finally out of nowhere art. And art it is. I love everything about creating things no one has ever thought of before and I will never get tired of it. I am an artist because I can't possibly be anything else.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Another Grown Up Problem
I didn't think I'd get as much inspiration as I do from my blog title when I started, but I'm going to talk about the difference between childhood and being a grown up yet again. While I was running yesterday I felt all of my worries and stresses smother me for a few minutes and I wished for a moment that I could go back to when I didn't have to worry about anything. The problem is I never appreciated having no worries while I didn't and barely had time to catch my breath when adulthood started. I realize that's how it is for a lot of people but I do find it very ironic. We spend all of growing up wishing we were done already and we spend our entire adulthood wishing we had less responsibility.
Yesterday I also realized that even if given the chance I wouldn't go back. Even with all of my mistakes I've worked hard and accomplished a lot of things that I was relieved to be done with. I don't want to do it again I want to just keep going. Which is rather convenient as that is really the only option available. I was also terribly grateful for my husband all day yesterday and he is truly wonderful. However that made me realize that all this wonderful clarity I was experiencing was due to a timely rush of hormones. Oh grown up life you are nothing if not a roller coaster.
Yesterday I also realized that even if given the chance I wouldn't go back. Even with all of my mistakes I've worked hard and accomplished a lot of things that I was relieved to be done with. I don't want to do it again I want to just keep going. Which is rather convenient as that is really the only option available. I was also terribly grateful for my husband all day yesterday and he is truly wonderful. However that made me realize that all this wonderful clarity I was experiencing was due to a timely rush of hormones. Oh grown up life you are nothing if not a roller coaster.
Monday, January 6, 2014
An Ironic Post
This is an ironic post because I'm going to write about how people should be on the internet less. I think the main thing I've been missing over the last few years, as I've been caught up in being a good grown up, is life. I know I'm not the only one that does this, but I worry and stress a lot and to take the edge off, I numb my emotions through internet and entertainment. It's a lot easier to put things to the back of your mind instead of dealing with them.
I even did it today simply out of habit. Instead of getting a cub scout meeting planned I watched a movie (a pretty lame one), and now I'm even more stressed out because I couldn't just deal with what I needed to do. What's sad is that it wouldn't have even taken very long to plan. If I had just done it I would have been done hours ago, and I could've been working on something I enjoy.
The worst part is that I know it's better to turn off the computer and TV and just get to work. A few times in my life I've pulled off some amazing will power and didn't procrastinate. I was so happy and relaxed, even after turning in a 10 page paper.
Ironically I am now blogging about it. However this blog keeps me sane and helps me to remember why I like to be alive, and it's not because I like cheesy chick flicks. No-I'm sad I missed the sunset because I was on the internet, and that I missed dehydrating ingredients for tea because I didn't feel like making dinner. Then I ordered pizza and watched a movie instead. I'm even sad I didn't get to plan the scout meeting even though I've been stressing out over it. TV and the internet stop me from being who I want to be, and I think I'm not the only one. So if anyone reads this I hope you at least try unplugging for a few hours. You'll be surprised at how much more productive you can be when you're not letting multi-million dollar companies do your thinking for you.
I even did it today simply out of habit. Instead of getting a cub scout meeting planned I watched a movie (a pretty lame one), and now I'm even more stressed out because I couldn't just deal with what I needed to do. What's sad is that it wouldn't have even taken very long to plan. If I had just done it I would have been done hours ago, and I could've been working on something I enjoy.
The worst part is that I know it's better to turn off the computer and TV and just get to work. A few times in my life I've pulled off some amazing will power and didn't procrastinate. I was so happy and relaxed, even after turning in a 10 page paper.
Ironically I am now blogging about it. However this blog keeps me sane and helps me to remember why I like to be alive, and it's not because I like cheesy chick flicks. No-I'm sad I missed the sunset because I was on the internet, and that I missed dehydrating ingredients for tea because I didn't feel like making dinner. Then I ordered pizza and watched a movie instead. I'm even sad I didn't get to plan the scout meeting even though I've been stressing out over it. TV and the internet stop me from being who I want to be, and I think I'm not the only one. So if anyone reads this I hope you at least try unplugging for a few hours. You'll be surprised at how much more productive you can be when you're not letting multi-million dollar companies do your thinking for you.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Moments
Ok- today I am definitely in a better mood. I've started to get over the fact I didn't get into the illustration program and now I'm just moving on with what needs to be done. I was watching several news programs on the New Years Eve in preparation to watch the ball drop and a celebrity said something I actually appreciated. I don't even remember who it was or what station it was on but in lieu of New Year's resolutions this celebrity woman said something to the effect of " I just want to enjoy the moment I'm living in right now. I don't want to just be looking forward to something in the future I want to enjoy right now". I've realized I'm too goal oriented and when I fail, and I often do fail at goals, I get depressed even though there are many enjoyable things going on in my life.
So I'm not going to call it a new year resolution but my big life change for right now is to not worry about the future. So far it's been nice. I haven't gotten hardly anything done on my to do list but I've had genuinely good days. I've read, hung out with my husband, day dreamed, cooked dinner (which I actually like doing) and I've cleaned my house. Most of all I'm way more relaxed than I was two days ago when I was still stressing out about being someone who just can't exist. I even found time to do yoga which was really nice. Anyways the point is, I've spent a lot of time worrying about what I should be doing and I forget to enjoy what I am doing. You don't have to do everything everyday to be an accomplished person you just have to have accomplished moments. I also read an excellent article about how having goals will mess you up and I totally agree. The link is below.
http://www.entrepreneur.com/article/230333
What I really want to accomplish with these posts is to find magic in my life when it's hard to find. So far slowing down and paying attention to right now makes me feel like I have a magical life. It's honestly the small things like a sleeping kitten on your lap while you read, or a husband snoring next to you, or just some beautiful snow covered mountains that makes life magical. Big accomplishments (like getting accepted into a program) are great but they don't happen very often. I don't want to have to wait on just big things to be happy.
So I'm not going to call it a new year resolution but my big life change for right now is to not worry about the future. So far it's been nice. I haven't gotten hardly anything done on my to do list but I've had genuinely good days. I've read, hung out with my husband, day dreamed, cooked dinner (which I actually like doing) and I've cleaned my house. Most of all I'm way more relaxed than I was two days ago when I was still stressing out about being someone who just can't exist. I even found time to do yoga which was really nice. Anyways the point is, I've spent a lot of time worrying about what I should be doing and I forget to enjoy what I am doing. You don't have to do everything everyday to be an accomplished person you just have to have accomplished moments. I also read an excellent article about how having goals will mess you up and I totally agree. The link is below.
http://www.entrepreneur.com/article/230333
What I really want to accomplish with these posts is to find magic in my life when it's hard to find. So far slowing down and paying attention to right now makes me feel like I have a magical life. It's honestly the small things like a sleeping kitten on your lap while you read, or a husband snoring next to you, or just some beautiful snow covered mountains that makes life magical. Big accomplishments (like getting accepted into a program) are great but they don't happen very often. I don't want to have to wait on just big things to be happy.
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Failure
Well this year I definitely crashed and burned. I didn't get into the program I needed and so I'm set back yet another semester and I quit running and I forgot to turn in some pretty major assignments. Furthermore I have no idea how we're going to be able to pay for my husband to go to school in one week. I hate being stuck. No matter what I've done I'm in the same place I started a year ago. Therefore I've been killing myself and losing sleep for nothing.This is a depressing post to be the first one in months, but I'm pretty discourage. I even got to spend 10 days in Hawaii for my sisters wedding and all I'm really feeling from that is the debt. I think I'm just going to post some other time when I don't feel so hopeless.
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