An Ironic Post

          This is an ironic post because I'm going to write about how people should be on the internet less. I think the main thing I've been missing over the last few years, as I've been caught up in being a good grown up, is life. I know I'm not the only one that does this, but I worry and stress a lot and to  take the edge off, I numb my emotions through internet and entertainment. It's a lot easier to put things to the back of your mind instead of dealing with them.
          I even did it today simply out of habit. Instead of getting a cub scout meeting planned I watched a movie (a pretty lame one), and now I'm even more stressed out because I couldn't just deal with what I needed to do. What's sad is that it wouldn't have even taken very long to plan. If I had just done it I would have been done hours ago, and I could've been working on something I enjoy.
          The worst part is that I know it's better to turn off the computer and TV and just get to work.  A few times in my life I've pulled off some amazing will power and didn't procrastinate. I was so happy and relaxed, even after turning in a 10 page paper.
         Ironically I am now blogging about it. However this blog keeps me sane and helps me to remember why I like to be alive, and it's not because I like cheesy chick flicks. No-I'm sad I missed the sunset because I was on the internet, and that I missed dehydrating ingredients for tea because I didn't feel like making dinner. Then I ordered pizza and watched a movie instead. I'm even sad I didn't get to plan the scout meeting even though I've been stressing out over it. TV and the internet stop me from being who I want to be, and I think I'm not the only one. So if anyone reads this I hope you at least try unplugging for a few hours. You'll be surprised at how much more productive you can be when you're not letting multi-million dollar companies do your thinking for you.
         

Moments

          Ok- today I am definitely in a better mood. I've started to get over the fact I didn't get into the illustration program and now I'm just moving on with what needs to be done. I was watching several news programs on the New Years Eve in preparation to watch the ball drop and a celebrity said something I actually appreciated. I don't even remember who it was or what station it was on but in lieu of New Year's resolutions this celebrity woman said something to the effect of  " I just want to enjoy the moment I'm living in right now. I don't want to just be looking forward to something in the future I want to enjoy right now". I've realized I'm too goal oriented and when I fail, and I often do fail at goals, I get depressed even though there are many enjoyable things going on in my life.
            So I'm not going to call it a new year resolution but my big life change for right now is to not worry about the future. So far it's been nice. I haven't gotten hardly anything done on my to do list but I've had genuinely good days. I've read, hung out with my husband, day dreamed, cooked dinner (which I actually like doing) and I've cleaned my house. Most of all I'm way more relaxed than I was two days ago when I was still stressing out about being someone who just can't exist. I even found time to do yoga which was really nice. Anyways the point is, I've spent a lot of time worrying about what I should be doing and I forget to enjoy what I am doing. You don't have to do everything everyday to be an accomplished person you just have to have accomplished moments. I also read an excellent article about how having goals will mess you up and I totally agree. The link is below.
                                      http://www.entrepreneur.com/article/230333
          What I really want to accomplish with these posts is to find magic in my life when it's hard to find. So far slowing down and paying attention to right now makes me feel like I have a magical life. It's honestly the small things like a sleeping kitten on your lap while you read, or a husband snoring next to you, or just some beautiful snow covered mountains that makes life magical. Big accomplishments (like getting accepted into a program) are great but they don't happen very often. I don't want to have to wait on just big things to be happy.
      

Failure

          Well this year I definitely crashed and burned. I didn't get into the program I needed and so I'm set back yet another semester and I quit running and I forgot to turn in some pretty major assignments. Furthermore I have no idea how we're going to be able to pay for my husband to go to school in one week. I hate being stuck. No matter what I've done I'm in the same place I started a year ago. Therefore I've been killing myself and losing sleep for nothing.This is a depressing post to be the first one in months, but I'm pretty discourage. I even got to spend 10 days in Hawaii for my sisters wedding and all I'm really feeling from that is the debt. I think I'm just going to post some other time when I don't feel so hopeless.

My passion is .....no wait it's......

          Have you ever had a moment where you knew exactly what you wanted to do with your life? I have...the only problem is I've experienced it several times and it happens ever few years. Sometimes it only lasts half a year before I find another passion. I don't really mind though. If I stuck to just one thing my whole life I would feel like I was missing out. I had an argument with my piano teacher once about this where I said I didn't want to just practice the piano all the time because I wanted a life. With which she responded that those who spent their whole lives doing nothing but play the piano had remarkable wonderful lives and even tried to assert that their lives might even be better than others. Ironically her only prodigy at the time grew up to be a shut in, depressed, unable to function in society, and for years refused to touch the piano. I'm not saying that it's wrong to have one grand passion for a lifetime. I am saying that it is not for me and probably not for most people. The fact that we have the ability to get bored ever in this magnificent world full of wonders proves to me that humans need change. In other words I've been crazy about making my own books lately and I haven't ever been crazy about it before but now I am and I'm perfectly ok with it. My husband even supports it....mostly. I hope others are ok with their sudden dream changes too.
          It is my theory if we as a society allowed people to change dreams as often as they wanted we would have a much more creative and a much less stressed out world. If I wasn't so worried about following a societal norm I would drop out of school tomorrow and start my own book printing press. My husband would quit his job and be a fire fighter.  If we did this our mortgage would never get paid and we'd be out on the curb in a few months. However we could be a little less strict with ourselves and chase a few more dreams. I think I'm going to try. Even when I'm tired with no time left to do anything but write a research paper I'm going to let myself dream and maybe even take a couple minutes and sketch some ideas. My other goal is to let others have room for dreams. The next time my mother says she's going to put off finishing her degree because she needs to work I'm going to do my best to convince her that  dad makes enough money and she should register. I think I'm also going to just start finding out what my loved one's dreams are and see if I can help. Maybe that's how things will change, maybe more dreams come true when you get a little help. I think I'll call it the pixie dust project.

Prove People Wrong

          I have come to the sad conclusion that nobody has ever really believed in me. Of course my mother always told me "I think you can do anything you set your mind to", but I don't really think she's ever expected me to do anything great. I've never had a teacher or a friend believe I could do great things. I guess that's normal, there's not a lot of people I expect to do great things. However I think we should. What if all it took for more people to achieve their dreams was to have someone believe they could do it. Every time I've had a big idea it's been shot down so fast I never had time to really dream about it. I once told my father that it would be awesome if my friends and I could record our own music. His response was basically that it was a stupid idea and that recording studios and equipment are so amazingly expensive that we would never get close. And now look how many people have gotten famous on YouTube because they had some simple home recording equipment at home.
          My husband is the same way. I want to make money from home. That is one of my biggest dreams. I would feel so settled if I could contribute financially to my family and still be able to be home with my children. However every time I have an idea on how to do this suddenly  my husband has 20 reasons why I can't. I won't make this mistake. When people come to me with ideas, even if I think they're crazy, I'm going to tell them I think they should try it. What is left for me is believing in myself. I've started to dream and scheme quietly so that nobody can tell me I can't. When I succeed and they wonder at the fact they had no idea  I was even planning such things. I will just smile and say "and therefore you never had the chance to tell me I couldn't". I hope this happens because I love more then anything to prove people wrong about what I can do.

Turn off the TV and....

          On Monday I ran 5 miles with only a 30 second water break. That is the farthest I have run in one sitting in my entire life. I am 23 years old almost 24 this month and I just wish I had started really living my life earlier. There are so many things I feel like I've already missed out on. I know it's poppy cock and that I have quite a bit of life left, I just feel lately that my time is so precious I wish that I hadn't wasted a second of it. Although the only way you find out how precious time is, is if you waste enough of it to regret it. I dream a lot of going back in time and doing things over but I always remember that there is nothing I could change or too many good things would be missing.
          I wouldn't have met my friend Laura in Mesa, I wouldn't have my kitties Remus and Romulus, and I might not have married Sterling. Truly when I think about it I like where I am. To be a little more clear though I do wish I'd started exercising when I was 10, eating healthy when I was 5 and drawing and practicing music every day since then as well. This comes from feeling like I'll never be truly who I want to be- a fit and active happy mom with mad drawing and music skills. I know my childhood was important and I wouldn't trade my imaginary adventures for anything but I could've watched a lot less TV. Even if I had just played outside more I think I would feel more at ease with where my time has gone. Since I can't go back the only thing to do is make sure I don't waste any more time. I hope I'll be able to do this for my children, give them a childhood they couldn't imagine regretting.
        When people say that children are the future I don't think they know how right they are. Everything we do influences the world that the next generation will grow up in which in turn will influence the world we will all exist in. When people say that children are the future they need to remember that means we as adults are making the future.

Break Time

          I have a confession to make. The main reason I've started this blog is to keep me from going insane. I have so much to do this semester that I  have very little time to think, and this blog gives me an excuse to have a break. However I do wish I'd started it before because I've figured out that taking a few minutes to reorganize my head is exactly what I've needed. I bounce around from project to project because I worry about them all at the same time and it just hasn't been working. So I sit down at my computer and I just think about all the wonderful things I have in my life and will have in my life. Today I've been day-dreaming about the kind of piano lessons I'll teach when I finally get my piano tuned. It's very exciting to think that I might be the reason someone knows how to play. I've also had my head filled with art I want to make which is my favorite thing to have my head filled with. I really don't think there's a reason I can't live in the world of dragons and adventure and be an adult at the same time. The only difference I see now is that I have less time to escape into such places. All the more reason I should when I can. I don't think adults keep their imaginations to let them go to waste.