Failure

          Well this year I definitely crashed and burned. I didn't get into the program I needed and so I'm set back yet another semester and I quit running and I forgot to turn in some pretty major assignments. Furthermore I have no idea how we're going to be able to pay for my husband to go to school in one week. I hate being stuck. No matter what I've done I'm in the same place I started a year ago. Therefore I've been killing myself and losing sleep for nothing.This is a depressing post to be the first one in months, but I'm pretty discourage. I even got to spend 10 days in Hawaii for my sisters wedding and all I'm really feeling from that is the debt. I think I'm just going to post some other time when I don't feel so hopeless.

My passion is .....no wait it's......

          Have you ever had a moment where you knew exactly what you wanted to do with your life? I have...the only problem is I've experienced it several times and it happens ever few years. Sometimes it only lasts half a year before I find another passion. I don't really mind though. If I stuck to just one thing my whole life I would feel like I was missing out. I had an argument with my piano teacher once about this where I said I didn't want to just practice the piano all the time because I wanted a life. With which she responded that those who spent their whole lives doing nothing but play the piano had remarkable wonderful lives and even tried to assert that their lives might even be better than others. Ironically her only prodigy at the time grew up to be a shut in, depressed, unable to function in society, and for years refused to touch the piano. I'm not saying that it's wrong to have one grand passion for a lifetime. I am saying that it is not for me and probably not for most people. The fact that we have the ability to get bored ever in this magnificent world full of wonders proves to me that humans need change. In other words I've been crazy about making my own books lately and I haven't ever been crazy about it before but now I am and I'm perfectly ok with it. My husband even supports it....mostly. I hope others are ok with their sudden dream changes too.
          It is my theory if we as a society allowed people to change dreams as often as they wanted we would have a much more creative and a much less stressed out world. If I wasn't so worried about following a societal norm I would drop out of school tomorrow and start my own book printing press. My husband would quit his job and be a fire fighter.  If we did this our mortgage would never get paid and we'd be out on the curb in a few months. However we could be a little less strict with ourselves and chase a few more dreams. I think I'm going to try. Even when I'm tired with no time left to do anything but write a research paper I'm going to let myself dream and maybe even take a couple minutes and sketch some ideas. My other goal is to let others have room for dreams. The next time my mother says she's going to put off finishing her degree because she needs to work I'm going to do my best to convince her that  dad makes enough money and she should register. I think I'm also going to just start finding out what my loved one's dreams are and see if I can help. Maybe that's how things will change, maybe more dreams come true when you get a little help. I think I'll call it the pixie dust project.

Prove People Wrong

          I have come to the sad conclusion that nobody has ever really believed in me. Of course my mother always told me "I think you can do anything you set your mind to", but I don't really think she's ever expected me to do anything great. I've never had a teacher or a friend believe I could do great things. I guess that's normal, there's not a lot of people I expect to do great things. However I think we should. What if all it took for more people to achieve their dreams was to have someone believe they could do it. Every time I've had a big idea it's been shot down so fast I never had time to really dream about it. I once told my father that it would be awesome if my friends and I could record our own music. His response was basically that it was a stupid idea and that recording studios and equipment are so amazingly expensive that we would never get close. And now look how many people have gotten famous on YouTube because they had some simple home recording equipment at home.
          My husband is the same way. I want to make money from home. That is one of my biggest dreams. I would feel so settled if I could contribute financially to my family and still be able to be home with my children. However every time I have an idea on how to do this suddenly  my husband has 20 reasons why I can't. I won't make this mistake. When people come to me with ideas, even if I think they're crazy, I'm going to tell them I think they should try it. What is left for me is believing in myself. I've started to dream and scheme quietly so that nobody can tell me I can't. When I succeed and they wonder at the fact they had no idea  I was even planning such things. I will just smile and say "and therefore you never had the chance to tell me I couldn't". I hope this happens because I love more then anything to prove people wrong about what I can do.

Turn off the TV and....

          On Monday I ran 5 miles with only a 30 second water break. That is the farthest I have run in one sitting in my entire life. I am 23 years old almost 24 this month and I just wish I had started really living my life earlier. There are so many things I feel like I've already missed out on. I know it's poppy cock and that I have quite a bit of life left, I just feel lately that my time is so precious I wish that I hadn't wasted a second of it. Although the only way you find out how precious time is, is if you waste enough of it to regret it. I dream a lot of going back in time and doing things over but I always remember that there is nothing I could change or too many good things would be missing.
          I wouldn't have met my friend Laura in Mesa, I wouldn't have my kitties Remus and Romulus, and I might not have married Sterling. Truly when I think about it I like where I am. To be a little more clear though I do wish I'd started exercising when I was 10, eating healthy when I was 5 and drawing and practicing music every day since then as well. This comes from feeling like I'll never be truly who I want to be- a fit and active happy mom with mad drawing and music skills. I know my childhood was important and I wouldn't trade my imaginary adventures for anything but I could've watched a lot less TV. Even if I had just played outside more I think I would feel more at ease with where my time has gone. Since I can't go back the only thing to do is make sure I don't waste any more time. I hope I'll be able to do this for my children, give them a childhood they couldn't imagine regretting.
        When people say that children are the future I don't think they know how right they are. Everything we do influences the world that the next generation will grow up in which in turn will influence the world we will all exist in. When people say that children are the future they need to remember that means we as adults are making the future.

Break Time

          I have a confession to make. The main reason I've started this blog is to keep me from going insane. I have so much to do this semester that I  have very little time to think, and this blog gives me an excuse to have a break. However I do wish I'd started it before because I've figured out that taking a few minutes to reorganize my head is exactly what I've needed. I bounce around from project to project because I worry about them all at the same time and it just hasn't been working. So I sit down at my computer and I just think about all the wonderful things I have in my life and will have in my life. Today I've been day-dreaming about the kind of piano lessons I'll teach when I finally get my piano tuned. It's very exciting to think that I might be the reason someone knows how to play. I've also had my head filled with art I want to make which is my favorite thing to have my head filled with. I really don't think there's a reason I can't live in the world of dragons and adventure and be an adult at the same time. The only difference I see now is that I have less time to escape into such places. All the more reason I should when I can. I don't think adults keep their imaginations to let them go to waste.

Grown Ups are Busy

          One of the things I hate most about being grown up is not having time to spend day dreaming. I truly miss the days where I would play outside all day and alternate between being a princess, a witch, a soldier, and adventurer, and whatever else I decided I wanted to be. Today is one of those days where there's so much I need to do and not enough hours to do them. I will spend all morning working on assignments for school, making phone calls, running errands and then I will be at school until 7 pm at which time I will come home make dinner, do more homework and then go to bed. My drawings and books and nature trails will lay there lonely and unused not sure when I will return. Sometimes it really is hard and a little sad to have such a busy life. However as a certified grown up I cant let my school, my home or my husband fall in to disrepair, therefore I press on. I will do some more boring sketches of my sink and my stove, maybe clean the dishes , definitely feed the cats and maybe before I go to sleep I'll have some time to read about time travelers or draw some fairies.

Kittens in a Woodpile

          What is it about small helpless things that makes them absorb all of the time, money, and energy around them? This week my husband and I rescued 3 kittens in a brush pile, 2 of which were blind from eye infections. Without thinking about what would come next we built a ply-wood shelter from scraps and took these poor little things away from their mother and the elements. It's been 6 days, and so far we've spent $130 on medicine, $10 of food, and hours and hours and hours of time on these little guys. We're not even going to keep them, we're going to adopt them out because we already have two cats. Why did we do it? We just couldn't do anything else. We saw them wandering around and we couldn't think of anything else until they were safe in our care. I won't claim that I always do things like this because I definitely don't. There's just something ingrained in human nature that sees a baby creature  in need and simply has to act. Well whatever reason it was that suddenly made me decide $130 dollars wasn't too much money for eye gel and antibiotics I'm glad for it. It has been beyond fulfilling to watch them all get strong and healthy and ready for a family all their own. By the way the kittens that were blind are much better now. They can both see! One is completely recovered, and even though the other will probably have impaired vision for the rest of his life, he looks like he's going to be a happy, healthy and very playful cat.