My husband and I are once again questioning what we would like to do with our lives. It's heartbreaking to think that all the money we spent, that was earned with so many hundreds of hours of life sucking time at work, was wasted on things we didn't really care about. However, what is the other option- be poor and miserable? or at least admit that it would be a little bit better if we were at least rich and miserable? Either way the miserable part kind of kills me.
I guess we are having one of those stuck moments and none of the options we currently see have any sort of happy ending. Don't get me wrong, we know we have a relatively easy existence, you know healthy, fed, sheltered,but not facing any life threatening illness and not having to struggle for survival leaves us with opportunity. Some people might consider us ungrateful for our general good fortune, you know- home ownership, relatively functioning marriage, some semblance of purpose, but the truth is we genuinely feel a responsibility to do something other than exist.
Yes I am accusing people who work their lives away of just existing. Nobody enjoys going to work everyday...nobody. Therefore I do not want to work my life away, because I have the very ungrateful and pretentious dream to be genuinely happy. It's not going to happen while my husband is battling managerial and customerial douchebaggery every day.
In fact I don't think that my husband and I are being ungrateful when we admit to ourselves that our daily game of pay the bills and buy groceries is not cutting it. I believe that it is a generally accepted idea that when you feel like something is missing it probably is. I look at our life and I really do think something is not there. We don't have children yet and I believe children will fill some of the emptiness, but again feeding babies just doesn't seem like the end of the happy ending to me. That of course leaves my duty to God. Yes mother I know Jesus is always the answer, but seriously I think he'd be ok with me finding more purpose in my life than even being a studious church goer can provide.
The unsatisfying end to this post is simply that I want happiness and fulfillment and 6 years into my official adult life, I only know a few ways not to find it. I'm changing everything again and I have no choice but to be ok with it, because the alternative is simply unacceptable. The one achievement I feel certain of is that I'm officially over the great American Lie. Working hard and going to school will not give you satisfaction. It will give you a job. An underpaying, underbenefitting, underappreciating, overworking, soul sucking job. That is not a dream. At least knowing where not to look makes it possible to start looking elsewhere.
Also if I go bankrupt because we've spent too much money on school that we will never use,-my husband is a banker and we know that bankruptcy is fairly easy to overcome. You can thank a government that caters to an entitled generation for that. I'm kidding I don't want to go bankrupt, but seriously if that's the worst thing that happens to my family because we were trying to find real happiness, so be it, I guess. Although it greatly pains my working class upbringing to say that.
